


240:00 and a Stawberry Cake

by Juciel



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23965021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juciel/pseuds/Juciel
Summary: Choi Seungcheol is a rude and agressive guy, which leads him to be hated by everyone except Joshua.Hong Joshua, a calm and caring boy, is loved by everyone but mostly by Seungcheol.These two are going out for about 7 years, but everything will change when they're gonna learn about Joshua's illness.Yoon Jeonghan was only a simple employee from a coffee shop that those two used to go back in highschool.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ! thats my first ff in english, it's not my native langage so it may have grammar mistake and all sorry in advance and i hope y'all gonna enjoy that either way haha !

00:00

"he is suffering from a acute leukemia...i'm really sorry..."

I'd just broken the vase of this piece i hated so much.

-"Shhh...calm down Cheol. Everything is gonna be alright..."

He said to me with his sweet voice, taking my hand in his.

-"How can you want me to calm down Joshua ?! You-You're gonna die !!" 

"I-I don't wanr you to go, we promise each other to stay together until the end. Show these idiots that together we could overcome everything ! Shua... stay, stay... stay..." 

-"I'm here, i'm here...and will always be..." He said to me, taking me in his arms.

-"I love you, please don't leave me..."

-"Mhh...I love you..."

-  
-

Hong Joshua, a calm and smart boy. Caring, friendly, handsome, kind and loved by everyone but mostly by me, Choi Seungcheol.

Rude, cold, violent was the three words that represented me the most. The typic rebel. Because of me Shua had to leave his parents and his house, well when he talk about this he doesn't say it like that but more like it was a decision that we took together. 

His parents beats him, these alcoholic bastard...when one was cheating on the other they came and beat the shit out of the poor kid. Why having a child if it's for using him as a punching ball ? 

The first time i saw him was 5 years ago. I wasn't the kind to fall in love at first sigh but when i saw him 10 years later my heart comfirm me the opposite. His hair, eyes, smile to me he was perfect.

And still his body was covered by flaws. I noticed it after 2 years of relationship. He cried this day, i was wondering why he'd never wanted to do anything sexual. Of course i stopped myself everytime and let him be ready for it but i at some times i was craving for his touch and when he was finally ready i could see all of these things. I stepped back because i was surprised, but to him it was like a knife i'd thrown to his heart. He thought that i was finding him...disgusting and at this time i knew why he never wore t-shirts or shorts even in summer but just oversized clothes that covered his entire body. I rassured him, making my way to his side, kissing him and touching his abused skin. 

-"Cheol...you don't find me repulsive ?" He asked me with his trembling and hurted voice. 

-"You're the most beautiful person i could have met in my life... i love you Joshua."

But it was all lies.

it was with these words that he calm down and that we finally becomed one. One of the best night of my live. The next day i made him quit his parents and live with me instead. I lived alone and about my parents... i don't know where they are and i don't care. From there we lived happily together during 4 years. I could see his pretty face everytime i woke up before going to college and before going to sleep. I was filled with joy and so was him until one day. He begin to be more and more dizzy, some times he would collapse in the street and he was suffering without knowing why.

Taking him to the hospital was terrible. This place that link life and death, this place that can bring joy and sadness. This place made us learn that we can't control our life. 

The doctor smiled at us, an hypocritical.   
Why smiling at us like that if it was to tell us later that one of us will be gone ?

And as always when i learn about that...i freak out, broke furnitures, broke a vase. Shua didn't react, he tried to calm me but nothing more. Maybe if he'd screamed, cried, swear or just showed that he was hurt i wouldn't be so worried. 

Why was he so calm ? Did he knew that it was gonna happen ? No... he would have told me, right ?  
I thought about it, turning the question in every way to understand but without response adding the fact that Joshua had to stay in the hospital for treatments. When he leaved the house everything change. It was lonely and empty. 

I could go see him everyday after or even during school.  
We had the same discussion, same quarrels and same way to make up. Nothing really change between us. Nothing was different, it was what i thought. 

24:00

9pm, it was the time that tells me to leave him. I was walking until i saw that coffee shop we used to go when we were still in highschool and without noticing i was already in front of the countor, fixing these pastries that Shua loves. 

"Wow ! You should tried the strawberry cake Cheol ! It's so gooood !!" I could see the smile he had that time, hear theses cute sounds he used to do while eating and his flushed face when i told him he had whipped cream on his face. 

"Cheol say aaaa"

"S-

Si-

SIR !" Someone was calling me making me stopped daydreaming. I lift my head. 

"Do you want to order ?" A sweet and charming voice welcomed me. It was similar as Joshua's , calming and melting me. 

But it wasn't his, and when my eyes land on his face i freezed. It was as if i saw an angel. He was breathtaking...

"Sir ?" He asked me again. 

-"I...will take a strawberry cake...please hum...Yoon Jeonghan." i said reading his name tag.

He took my order and told me to sit on one of the vacant table. I sat in a simple one next to the window, the one Joshua and i used to sit at. While i was waiting i asked myself why i choose this cake knowing i didn't like sweets.

I sigh, it was an habit and a bad one. When i finished it i took a glance in the direction of the employee. He was serving a customer, his flashing smile still here and i sigh again before leaving. 

Yoon Jeonghan right ?


	2. Chapter 2

48:00

The next day i skipped school to see Joshua. I didn't knwo why but after my encounter with this coffee guy i had to see the face of my loved one. 

-"Hey Josh."

-"Cheol !" He replied in a joyfull tone.

It feels like an arrow right in the heart. What was i thinking yesterday ? I love Joshua, the person i should have found beautiful and angelic is him and no one else.

I approached him, taking him in my arms. He was thinner than before and when i looked at him a bit closer i could see that he was more tired than before. But he still is georgous in my eyes... i really don't understand what happened with me yesterday. 

-"Shua, did you eat yet ? I feel like you lost weight again." I asked him worried.

-"Yeah, a bit." He said but i knew that "a bit" was in reality a single spoon. 

I sigh at his behavior before leaving and coming back with a knife and an apple in hand. Joshua looked at me with a confused look. 

-"I'm cutting you an apple...it's not the end of the world." Well maybe a little bit. I'd never used knife before because i was too clumsy with it. But i couldn't let him without doing anything, i had to make him eat...for him to be a bit better.  
After that i feed him smiling after seeing him swallowing the fruit.

He thanked me and i kissed him before leaving the hospital for the night.  
Weirdly my legs lead me in front of the coffee shop. I entered it and again came across his eyes.  
When he saw me he wave at me. There wasn't a lot of customer at this hours so it was just the two of us. 

-"Hey ! I see that you enjoyed the coffee. Do i make you the same as yesterday ?" He asked with a large smile.  
I was disrupt, seeing him like that made me weird, i replied without knowing ordering the same damn cake.

-"Alright ! it will soon be ready." he said with the same angelic smile and after a few minutes came back with the cake. 

-"Here it goes, a strawberry cake for the lonely guys !" he said teasing me. 

-"T-thanks..." I took a glance at my plate, a bit longer for him.

-"Aren't you gonna eat ?" He asked. 

-"I-I will." 

He just laugh, it was as beautiful as his face. Sweet like a candy. 

-"Well, i'll let you eat...hum...what's your name ?" 

-"Seungcheol."

-"Then enjoy your meal Seungcheol." He said before leaving. 

I liked how he said my name, it made me feels like it was made for him to say it, and again i felt something band deep in my chest but my eyes went back on the cake...Joshua. Right, he's waiting for me, he loves me, what was i thinking ?

72:00

The following day was the same, Joshua seemed worst than before but he still smile at me. I loved his smile but it wasn' like before. I couldn't feel how hot my body was when he touched me nor the butterflies in my stomach when we kissed. Something was wrong with me...

Again i made my way in this coffee shop and again i was alone with Jeonghan. But this time he was on the chair in front of me while this damn strawberry cake was still in the plate.

-"It's rare to see guys like you enjoying cakes that are this sweet."

It's true, i hate that. 

-"Mmmh...really ?" i asked without adding anything.

-"Yep, my ex boyfriend hated that." He replied chucking. 

So...he's single ? 

-"Your ex boyfriend ?" i said interested.

-"Yes...we broke up 3 months ago." 

-"Oh..." i said.

-"You're not the kind to talk right ?" he comment chucking again and i blushed instantly hearing him.

-"D'you wanna taste my cake ?" He asked taking a bit in his spoon.

"Cheol, say ahhh~~"

He said showing me the spoon. I was gonna eat it before hearing what he said and everything froze in my mind.

"Cheol ~ Do you wanna taste my cake ? say aaah~~" That was what Joshua always said to me before giving me a bit and when i remembered it i stood up and ran away. Leaving Jeonghan alone and confused of my action.

Coming in this coffee shop. was a bad idea. 

96:00

The next day i left college around 5pm and when i finally reach the hospital room it was close. I tried to open the door but someone stopped me saying the patient couldn't receive people. I panicked, i thought i'd just lost Joshua forever. 

-"What's wrong ? Why can't i see him ?" 

-"he just need sleep, don't worry sir. Come back tomorrow." The nurse reassured me. I then left. 

Again without knowing i came back there, inside of this stupid coffee shop. Ordering the same disgusting strawberry cake and sitting at the same spot. 

-"Your order." Jeonghan said coldly. 

Weirdly i didn't like his cold tone...

-"Jeonghan...excuse me for yesterday, i remembered something really important at that time." i tried. 

He was looking at me with these eyes that i didn't like. Those that scream pain and fear. Joshua had the same when we met him the first time.

-"Jeonghan-"

-"I thought i did something wrong ! I thought that you hated me !" He replied tears leaving his eyes. Per instinct i took him in my arms, stroking his hair trying to calm him down. 

"My ex boyfriend...he broke up with me because he hated me." he tried to say between hiccups . " We were together during 3 years and one day i discovered that he cheated on me..." he cried again.

How horrible ! How can someone do that ?

"When i asked him why he did that he just said that i was annoying and that he hated me from the start but that he accepted to go out with me just because i agreed to have sex often with him.."

What a jerk ! How can someone not love an angel like Jeonghan ?

At this time i surely forgot about what i was myself doing...

"So when you leaved so rapidly... i though that- that i did something wrong and that you didn't want to see me again..." He finished, his tears didn't stop and he was gripping on my shirt as if i would disappear. 

And after a few minutes i took his cheeks on my hands, begging him to stop crying. He looked at me, eyes filled with sadness and i couldn't stop myself. I made my way to his lips, to calm him but also because something in my told me to do so. When i 

When i pulled away his eyes were wide open and his tears stopped but after some times culpability hits me. I remembered Joshua, i recalled how much i love him and why i came back here in the first place. 

To cut ties with Jeonghan...

Instead i was here, sinking even more in his arms. 

The atmosphere was becoming awkward, i rapidly apologize saying that i didn't know what else to do for him to stop crying. He said nothing, just a nod before i left the shop.


	3. Chapter 3

120:00

The next day i came back at the hospital and could see him. Observing the room i could have seen Joshua in his bed sleeping, the more i got close to him the more i became anxious. Was it because of what i did yesterday ?

The answer was yes. I kissed a boy that wasn't my boyfriend. I was one of these bastard that i never wanted to be. 

No respond, just him still asleep. He always had this habit of sleeping with his mouth slightly open and i always found it cute. I sat close to him and looked at him. I wanted to tell him everything but how will he react ? I love Joshua i didn't want him to be hurt. 

I should have think about that before. 

"Cheol ?" A little voice called me, groaning a bit. 

-"How do you feel love ?" He just smiled at me and sat up on his bed.

-"Better, but i really wanna go out and eat good foods !" I laughed hearing him. He was still the cute and innocent Joshua i knew. "Mmmh i'll do everything for THAT strawberry cake..." he add pouting. 

I could go buy one tomorrow...but it means seeing Jeonghan again. 

-"You really like this cake." He smiled at my comment.

-"Yeah, i like having something sweet in my mouth unlike you."

It was true, he was right. I hated this and yet i was constantly eating this cake during 3 days. After some reflexion he stopped talking. I knew he really wanted to eat it so i gave up. 

-"Do you want me to go and buy you one tomorrow ?" When he heard me his face lit up, i smiled while looking at him. It made me feels good to see him happy.

-"YES ! Oh thank you Cheol ! You're the best of the best ~ " He complimented me, opening his arms for me to give him a hug.

But he was wrong, i was far from being the best boyfriend. I was the worst...for a lot of things.

8pm, I came back home. I couldn't dare to see Jeonghan again, it was too early and anyway i had to face him tomorrow so why going now ? 

I fell asleep, a lot in mind, thinking about all the choice i could have done instead of those one. Regrets was what i avoided since birth and during these 4 days i was sinking in it.   
Regrets, Doubt, Cheat...

144:00

The following day i made my way to the coffee shop instead of the hospital. My heart was beating abnormally, making me more anxious than ever.   
It was a bad idea and i knew it. So why going in ? For Shua ? Yes but not only, there was a part of me that wanted to see Jeonghan again...and i could never deny it. Culpability was eating me and i may have been a masochist to continue that.   
Arrived in front of the coffee shop i entered and again no customers. Walking to the counter our eyes met, he smiled to me like he used to do trying to hide his redened cheeks du to what happened yesterday. 

-"Hey Cheol, same as always ?" He asked his eyes still on the screen.

-"Yes but to take out please." I asked politely. 

-"You...don't stay here to eat ?" He continued to ask while doing my order. "You even come earlier than usually."He added, i could heard the change in his voice. It was strange. 

-"I have to see someone today." I simply replied. 

-"Oh...someone important ?" Hearing him i smiled. Right, that's it, Joshua was someone important. Really important. 

-"Yes."

-"Oh...Okay." I could sense deception in the way he answered me and i didn't like it. 

Jeonghan gave me my order, it was wrap in a beautiful box with a red knot in it. I smiled at him taking the box from his hands, making our fingers brush lightly and before i could leave he held me back, holding my arm he begged me to wait, to stay and not to left him behind...again. I didn't understood at first, why did he asked me that ? We just met 4 days ago. But 4 days was enough to make me and him change and i knew it when he close the gap between our lips a second time. 

He kissed me...and i liked it. 

It was horrible but so good at the same time. How could i enjoy it ? But how couldn't i ? He had that sweet taste that made me think of someone but i couldn't know who. The moment i kissed back i knew that everything was over. I don't regrets anymore, i liked these horrible things i did. Joshua... he was suffering and instead of being by his side i was here tasting the lips of someone else. I disgusted myself, i was ashamed of myself and still i liked what i've done...

I liked Jeonghan...forgetting about Joshua.


	4. Chapter 4

Joshua POV

I noticed, Cheol's behavior to me. As the days pass he was becoming more and more different and being in this hospital bed was the most difficult thing to endure but seeing Cheol everyday made me feel better. Yet i knew it well that i should not see him again that i should disappear without hurting him and help him forget about me. Forget about our memories together. Forget about our love. 

He was the one that helped me, saved me and loved me. I never did something for him and yet he didn't said anything about it. It was so frustrating to not be able to do something, to be this weak...physically and mentally.   
This illness, i knew about it from the start and i never did anything about it to him. I chosen to be egoistic, i prefered to shut myself instead of facing up a the choice of him leaving me. I prefered to keep him to myself, to make him love me for me to leave him alone.

I'm not someone that is caring and kind. I'm just an egoistic, a liar and greedy man and Seungcheol is the proof. I sigh again, it's been seven days since i'm stuck in this room. These walls, flowers, furnitures, everything is the same. Purposeless. 

Two, three, four, five hours passed already and Seungcheol still isn't here. I noticed how much i became obsessed by him, how i couldn't live without him.

It was suffocating and scary. If i leave him it's not for me but for him, for is well being, i repeated to myself.  
But i knew it was wrong because all i think is me. Me and only me. 

If i wanted Seungcheol to forget me was it for me to leave without him crying me and being hurt ?

Only lies. 

I wanted him to remember me, i didn't want everything that we built together to disappeared. I wanted to be with him and i wanted him to be mine forever...

Thinking that i push myself deeper in the bed, pulling the blanket up to my head. 

Where is he ? What is he doing ? These questions haunted me.

Maybe he will come later. I persuaded myself sighing again. But after more hours he still wasn't here. Yesterday he proposed to buy me a strawberry cake, to be honest i didn't really want it. It's just that everytime Seungcheol kissed me i could taste the flavor of this cake. It was impossible because he hated sweets bu i could sense it, this unforgettable strawberry aroma. It was Seungcheol that made me taste it for the first time, it was so sweet even if the taste was chemical it made my heart warmer that i cried.

It should be around 8pm, visit time was over. He didn't come and it was as if i knew it.

168:00

The next day i woke up, it was still early in the morning. Same calm and boring morning. The nurse gave me my medicaments tray and some food which were apparently "good for my health". 

Why should i care about my health ? I'm gonna die. I didn't touch my plate, i wanted something sweet. I needed something that would fill the emptiness in me , something that will make me stop hurting forever. Just anything...

-  
-

Seungcheol was again late. My hospital life was slow without him. I just pass my time looking out of the window, it gave me a view of the front of the hospital. I could see all sort of person, employee, kids and seniors and still he was the only one i couldn't see.

Where could he be ? I sigh again, staring at nothing but a couple distracted me. They were around our age. The tallest had black hair, a big green jacket and white shoes. He made me think of Seungcheol. The other one had light blond hair i couldn't see anything else of him. I could see that the blond guy tried to held back the other one. But why ?

Suddenly he kissed him before whispering him something. He then left into the building. The blond guy did nothing, he just watched him leave and stare at the hospital. I was looking at him and i almost though that our eyes crossed.

Five minute later Seungcheol was in my room, wearing the same green jacket and white shoes than the boy i saw earlier. Was it just a coincidence ? Absolutely not.   
I stared at him but he didn't mind nor react instead he came by my side and kissed me making me feel again this sweet taste. Maybe i saw it wrong...

-"Josh, are you alright ? You seem off." He asked his hand on my forehead. 

-"I'm good." I just answered, still thinking.

Thinking about what i've though yesterday. Making him forget about me....was it a good idea ? Surely, he will be more happy with someone else. He will be able to live normally without having to deal with all the problems i cause him and...he won't have to cried when i will disappeared from his life. I should support their relationship, then why are these words resonated so wrongly in my mind ?

-"Josh you should rest..." Cheol said looking at my face. He didn't change, he's still the cute and caring Seungcheol i knew. But it was only the cover of the book. "Go to sleep Shua. I love you."

Liar.


	5. Chapter 5

192:00

I wasn't feeling good today, maybe my meds doesn't work anymore. 

-"Mr.Hong, it's your 8th day here so you have to take a test to see if we can let you go out of the room." The nurse said making me leave my bed and leading me to my doctors. 

If my test is positive, does it means i could finally leave this box ?

-"You will have your result in 10 minutes, you can go back to your room." One of the doc announced.

I was sitting while waiting for the result. Being sit for too long wasn't good for my spine well that what i thought. My doctor said the opposite. After 10 minutes someone came in, papers in hands. I could notice a wheelchair.

-"Mr. Hong. You seems to be doing really good so we can let you go walk freely in the hospital." They announced me. I was happy to learn that but i would have prefered to be able to go out on the street. Be able to see my favorites spots before i...

ahh...

-"At least i would be able to see the garden. Thanks doc." I said trying to not sound disappointed.

-"You're welcome Joshua." He said and left.

I stared at the wheelchair, trying to position myself on it i tried to see how it works. After some times i decided to go out on the corridor. It was kinda great, being able to move without someone next to me. When i was close to the hall i could see someone familiar.

-"Seungcheol !" I called him.

He turned into my direction, after signing a paper he came to me. I smiled and he returned it. Dazzling.

-"Josh, what's that ? They let you go out ?" He asked excited. 

-"Yes ! Awesome right ? Go with me, i wanna go outside." i said to him smiling.

-"You're sure ? it's not gonna get worst ?" He asked again worrying.

-"My health is gonna get worst if i stay one more day under these white walls." I said and he gave up pushing my wheelchair to the exit.

Outdoor everything seems so beautiful. I smiled when i felt the wind on my face, the sky was brighter than through my window and the sound of the leaves stroking each others was so soothing. 

-"Oh ! Oh ! Cheol, can we go under this tree ?" i asked him, he only chuckled while pushing me to the tree. 

When we arrived, i get up with Seungcheol help and sat up under the tree, both of us leaning next to each other. Some sunray were getting through the foliage and were hitting my skin, it was great and i felt like living again. Having Cheol next to me was even more good and he seemed to enjoy the moment.

-"Cheol..." I started, trting to get his attention. "I though about it and... maybe we should stop seeing each others." He didn't replied so i continued. "For you to be able to forget me easily and to be able to meet someone new..." my voice cracked, it was more difficult to say that than i though. "and for you to love them...maybe even more than me..." During a short instant none of us talked, we just stayed silence. Seungcheol surely knew that one day ill say that to him. Suddenly he moved, getting up he stared right into my eyes. 

-"Joshua." Hearing him calling me still gave me goosebumps, my name sounded too perfect when it comes from his mouth. "I don't want to forget about you and..." He paused, gritting his fist and looking somewhere else. "i've never wanted to love someone else than you..." 

Then why did you kissed someone else ? Why did you smiled at him like you used to smile at me ? Why do you look more happier with him than with me ?  
While thinking about all of this another question came to my mind, a question that i tried to erased during all these years...  
This question which answers scared me the most and yet i asked him...

-"Cheol,...Did you really liked me during all these years ?"

-"Yes..."

No...

-"Thank you Cheol, for staying with me during all these years but maybe it's time for the both of us to say our goodbyes, don't you think so ?" I said to him, he took my hand in his tightening his grip and at this moment i knew that his tears were sincere. 

-"I'm sorry Joshua..."

...And so were his words.

216:00

Seungcheol couldn't come today. He was in his test period, well same for me if i was still going to college. After our talk yesterday the atmosphere became kinda cold between us, he maybe needed some time to though about what i said. I knew that he didn't really liked me during all these years, that he just needed something...just like me. When we met we were so empty and that's why we started to lie to each other but also to ourselves. He just wanted to prove to himself that he was different than his parents so he gave me what they never gave him and i needed someone to protect and love me. It was perfect for the both of us but i really fell in love with him while he just tried to persuade himself that he loved me. He must have knew it since the start than our feelings and relationship was only an horrible illusion even if it was, for me, wonderful. In the end i couldn't let it go even if i knew the truth. Even if it was wrong i decide to embrase my destiny. I wanted to have a future with Seungcheol, i wanted to love him even if he doesn't feel anything for me, just having him on my side was enough. I would have like to be with him a bit longer, buy a house, adopt a child, see them grow up day by day. Live a simple and lovely life...being able to hear him call my name everyday, seeing him smile, laugh, cry or shout.

-"I don't want to die..." I begged, starting to cry and hugging my legs. Everything i though yesterday, what we talked about. Everything. I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want him to leave me or to love someone else, i didn't want him not to be hurt for loosing me, i didn't want him to forget me. The man i saw yesterday, i wondered how he looked in close up. If he is kind, i wish i could see him before leaving Seungcheol. 

I sigh wiping my tears and looking again through this window were i was them. There was someone on the street that hesitated to enter the hospital, his hair...it was the guy from the other day. I sticked my hand on the glass trying to see a bit clearer but he already entered the building. Why was he here ?

I continued to look through the window hoping to see him again but someone had knocked on my door. It was him.

-"Excusez me, are you Joshua ?" He asked with a weak voice. 

-"Yes and you are ?" He walked closer to me, sitting on the chair next to my bed. He breathe a bit he seemed anxious. 

-"Yoon Jeonghan, the one who will took your place." Hearing him i couldn't help it but smile. I was too late. I had to gave up now. My existence didn't matter anymore, i've had been replaced and i couldn't do anything about that. I came closer to him, laying my hands on his shoulders. He retracted himself a bit, afraid about my action but when he saw my expression he calmed down.

-"Please take care of him Jeonghan." 

Seungcheol POV

After our talk with Joshua i couldn't stop thinking about his question. 

"Did you really liked me during all these years ?" Of course i loved him. It was obvious, right ? Then, why does it feels like a lie when i told him yes ? I found him, saved him from his parents, protected him during all these years. We shared everything, physically and mentally. It that loving someone right ? I love Joshua, right ?

False.

Jeonghan, when i talked to him about Joshua, i said to him that i couldn't love him because Shua was waiting for me. Because i couldn't leave him alone. I couldn't do to him what my parents did to me. I couldn't abandon him in this situation. My hands were shaking and all of my body also. It felt like my head was about to explode. I couldn't bear it anymore. 

....  
....

...Why..

Why did it have to happen to us ? We didn't asked anything, we just wanted to love each other. Being able to live peacefully together. 

-  
-

It was almost 8pm, i was back home letting my shoes lay in the entrance of our apartment. It was so empty and silence without him. I sigh looking at our room and bed and made my way to the bathroom. I showered and get on the bed ready to sleep but i couldn't i was just thinking again. His smile, his voice, his body...it made me feels things again then why do i feel like i never felt love to Joshua ? I love when he is happy, when he thanks me, when he say my name and his i love you's. I can't understand, is everything we lived and felt just an illusion ? Did he also though the same ? Maybe i didn't love him but i was sure about one thing. I WANTED to love him. He was the most gorgeous, lovable and kindest person i met in my whole life. He was my everything, my universe, my love and my despair. Yet i didn't love him and it drives me crazy. 

Jeonghan was kind. He was like Joshua, no, he was different and unique but he was also sweet and lovely, beautiful and cheerful. He was beaming like a diamond. The first time i saw him smile at me, the first time i heard his voice, the first time i met his eyes, my heart stopped. It was as if nothing existed beside him.

It wasn't as different with Joshua but i knew that with Jeonghan what i felt was real. I didn't tried to persuade myself. I knew it wasn't a good idea to start feeling this kind of thing toward him but i wasn't anymore in control of my will. I tried and failed. He was like a strawberry cake, sweet and soft yet he was torturing me constantly recalling me about the one i was supposed to love for the rest of my life. This prohibited cake, gorgeous but destructive, yet this side never made me step back. It made me love him more. 

I continued to think like that for a long moment before drifting to sleep without knowing what to do.


End file.
